upping the ante

At some point in our life, there comes a time when you will ditch everything right and comfortable to test your mettle and see how far you can go.

It's like standing over the edge of a cliff. While you know it's not safe to take a step forward, you just can't come to terms with the idea of getting left behind. It's that thing, that drive, that itch, that will to be, to know, to go. It's more than just a craving for a different scenery. It's more than just an appetite for adventure. It’s not that juvenile, spur-of-the-moment, to-hell-with-everyone kind of whim that you can easily shrug off when daddy says "no." It's something more powerful—like an overwhelming sense of purpose—that drives us, no, compels us to seek for something else, something bigger or better, something that is far beyond what is in the here and now.

I was at the exact same threshold about three years ago. I was straddling in between retreating into my own private cocoon and throwing myself into a tornado of my own making. My inflated sense of self worth told me I am more that what I think I am so I took a giant leap with my eyes closed and traversed the road less traveled. Life was never the same since.

Like any other rites of passage, mine was never easy. I remember the birth pains, the long and winding twist and turns of fate. You know it shouldn't be that huge of a deal if the instances that followed allowed for at least a couple of minutes for careful considerations. No, they were the big-bang, leap-of-faith, win-or-lose, now-or-never, w-t-f kind that called for desperate measures.

Maybe it's because I cared too much. I'd like to believe that there was an altruistic side of me that simply refused to sit within my designated seat ridges and watch the world fuck itself up.

Or maybe because I cared too little. Maybe I just believed in myself too much. Maybe I believed too much in my grand illusion (or delusion) that I'm designed for greatness, that I'm some kind of a wunderkind destined to be the solution to the world's god-forsaken, sorry life. This may sound cheesy, but just like everyone else, I am also in eternal pursuit of meaning.

I think most of us are too, and I think, just like me, most of us are just too scared to explore and consider that option because at the back of our heads we all know that the path to greatness may not always be the one that leads to happiness--or at least the blissful, euphoric kind.

Maybe it isn't so but it seems to me that this is one of those either-or things--either you're happy or you're great, either you're important or you're comfortable, either you're stable or you're free. I don't know with everyone else (and partly I don’t care) but it seems that I always find myself in a raging tug-of-war between two opposing forces.

Every time I manage to be utterly close to something I want for me, another aspect of my life falls apart. For some reason, I can't seem to hit them both at the same time--or if I probably did at one point, I couldn't seem to keep them firmly in my little hands for more than three point fifty seven seconds.

You know this was never a problem before I took that leap. I was one hell of a lucky girl. Damn, I really was a lucky girl. Everything I wanted during any given time was given to me on a silver platter. I don’t remember asking for much, but everything I had ever wanted fell from the sky right above my head, and I was the only one who was perfectly positioned to catch it.

Of course the struggle to make it big on my own had always been there, and I'm pretty sure the effort counts, but it didn’t feel right laying claim to something you didn’t feel you worked hard for. I’m not even sure if it’s right to call it luck in the first place. Maybe I just lack ambition, the will to aim for the highest, that even a tiny bit of accomplishment seemed like a huge trophy for me. That’s probably the reason I hardly failed at anything. I'd always assess my battles, and pick the ones with better survival rates. I wouldn’t gamble. I wouldn’t throw things to chance.

I didn’t think of ever trying to change the world then. I didn't even want a career. What I wanted was a happy family of my own like the one I grew up in, a hardworking husband who loves me more than I love him, and 3 kids to spoil on weekends in the country club. I thought, if I could change the world, what would I do? If I had the power to change the world without tampering on freewill, I don’t think there's much I could do anyway. Say, I want to eradicate poverty from the face of the earth. I bet my life that if I gave all the poor people in the world $1,000,000 each today, suppose I could afford it, I swear they’d be lining up for food stubs again after 3 weeks. Scums of the earth, no matter how much they have in their pockets, will always be scums of the earth. What a waste of omnipotence.

Sarcasm aside, what I’m trying to say is, I think the world is the way it is because people choose it to be this way. And I think God, with all his power and might, didn’t make us perfect human beings with a clear set of direction to which we must go so we can make that decision for ourselves. We chose who we are, and we can choose where we want to go.

So I decided to take the giant leap; and three years later, I find myself on the other side of the world, braving harsher winters, elbowing my way to the center against a bigger crowd, and leading the kind of life I wasn't quite prepared for. 

As of this very moment, I can say, despite best efforts to strike a balance between happiness and greatness, I am leaning towards the happy side--and for a cost, of course. I’m miles and miles away from my career goals, I feel that I lose a little of that writing spark as each day goes by. The words don’t come out now as easily as before, and I fear that one day I will lose altogether what little I have left. But as for all the other aspects, I feel so blessed; it will be gluttony to ask for anything more than what I have right now.

Then again, what’s so great about being great anyway? Most of the people I consider great don’t exactly lead the kind of life I want. And those who used to be great by my standard somewhat fell behind the shadows of fame when they decided they wanted to be happy. They all retired/fell from grace at the height of their career, and all we, spectators, could do was to shake our heads and feel nothing but shock and disappointment.

The higher they flew, the harder they fell. Some of us would rather feel that fall than feel nothing at all. On the other hand, some of us would rather carve a tiny, peaceful existence, seal ourselves in that small, air-conditioned room, and lock out the glare, the heat, and the suffering world. Some of us think that the downside of going the extra mile is compensated by the satisfaction derived from it. Some of us think that our only shot at perfection is to strive for it in our own little corner of the universe.

I think all of us are right in a way, but I think too that even if we underwent the most precise deliberating procedure, we wouldn’t always end up where we want to be. Of course we are always welcome to bitch about it, but whatever for? Sometimes it doesn't hurt to play along with life and its fickleness once in a while. After all, we can always console ourselves and say that maybe everything happens for a reason, that maybe it’s all for the best. That should work. At least the blame wouldn't always be on us.

We can do that or we can keep fighting and try to outdo ourselves in spite of ourselves. That thing, that drive, that itch deserves a spot in all of us. And I think despite its empty promises, we should keep on trying to push a little further, to up the ante, to raise the bar, to change the rules, and to dictate the tempo even if the world says "no." We can’t afford to be too contented in this world. And that even if we lacked the gift to wrestle with reason, I think the questions must still be asked. Maybe we should because I don’t think I can stand at the edge of the earth, stare into a vast space, and not wonder why God created such a big universe only to cramp us all in a small planet.

Whether I made the right decision, I don’t have an answer. Just like you I am hoping that one day I could bring all my thoughts into a sensible conclusion, hoping that all my imaginings and pondering will resolve themselves without my help.

Maybe I care too much. Or maybe I just believe in myself too much. Maybe I’m bound to hit rock bottom sooner or later. But maybe, too, it’s okay to be confused and scared today. After all, the greatest rewards come from doing things that scare us the most.

Up the ante, raise the bar, change the rules, dictate the tempo—not because we must but because we can.