on being a slave

some bosses think that their subordinates are born for the sheer reason of making their heavily laden lives more conducive to living. you know contrary to what your boss keeps shoving into your minute mind, this is not entirely true. the truth is people work so they can receive a meager amount of salary every month in exchange for a few, maybe 8, hours of their day using specific skills that they have. the boss, on the other hand, hires these people for them to do specific tasks and hopefully be able to make substantial contributions to the company as a whole. making the bosses' lives easier is not the sole reason for a worker's being; it is just the natural unintended consequence of it all. in other words, to think that your staff must be at your beck and call whenever and wherever is completely unacceptable, not to mention feudalistic. and if i were working for a reason bigger than my meager salary, it is only because of a vision that the company upholds that i extremely respect, and not because i intend to make someone else's life easier, particularly my boss's. i'd like to believe that i'm born for bigger things, and besides, i'm too poor to be a philantropist. and even if i were rich, the boss would be at the very last item in my list of "to-help" after my family, my friends, my relatives in the province, and the six million poor filipinos who have nothing to eat. forgive me, if you think i'm selfish. anyway. so if a harmonious relationship must happen between bosses and subordinates, then i guess a clear understanding of roles must be reached. subordinates must try not to look at their bosses for career fulfillment and gratification, while bosses must try not to make their subordinates the ultimate source of self-affirmation. the sooner we suck this all in, the better our working lives will be.

broke.

by now, it's probably completely trite to write a blog entry on bad economic times. and it's probably equally imprudent to write about such when i know there are others out there who had been more severely hurt by budget cuts and mass layoffs. now i don't mean to sound insensitive but hear me out on this one, ok?

as of press time, i only have $23 (minus $1.66 for my hazelnut coffee c/o dunkin donuts--hey, starbucks is overrated!) to last me until wednesday next week. that's seven days from now. meaning, if i wanted to live on til the next payday, i would have to subsist on $3 each day for the next seven days. if you have no idea how terrible that is just re-read the first line of this paragraph and see how much a small dunkin donut coffee is.

you know it wouldn't be so much of a big deal if i'm still living the life in the comforts of home. and when i say home, i still refer to our modest las pinas home in the philippines. despite the fact that money flows more fluidly in the hands of a freelancer, i remember being in the same situation quite a few times. i'm usually very frugal, meaning i only allow myself to splurge on three things: books, food, and travel ops. the splurging part could get intense though sometimes; it could terminate a bank account's lifespan in a jiffy. anyway.

a thousand bucks in the philippines can go a long way--especially if your mom mans the ref and you have unlimited access to the spare car at home. of course there may be a few belt-tightening measures involved, but if you know where to go--and the right connection to boot--you'll never starve in this side of the world.

location of course plays a critical part when doing things on a budget. this is where i miss bf the most. from shopping to bar-hopping, from casual to fine dining, from running errands to simply lounging about at your friend's house--"anywhere" is merely within one kilometer radius.

on days like this, when i find myself pressed for cash, you'll most definitely find me at au's carwash. the carwash has its own "bar and grill" where we spend most of our time either bashing each other face-to-face, laughing about something serious, or indulging ourselves in that i-want-to-make-a-difference kind of conversation over barbecue and beer, which you may or may not pay depending on au's mood.

now if you're lucky, which almost always happens, you'll find three to five of your friends show up at about the same time that you do. and if you're really lucky, which also happens kinda all the time, more and more of them will turn up as the night progresses--and you'll end up going home at about half past midnight--a bit drunk, a bit nauseous, and maybe a bit in trouble, but immensely happy about how great your day turned out even without shelling more than twenty precious bucks. those were the days.

obviously there had been a bit of miscalculation (or mismanagement) on my part where budget is concerned. back in the philippines i always knew how to manage these kinds of scenario (when all else fails, i cry out to mommy). but it's a completely different ballgame here, and i'm just beginning to learn the tricks of the trade.

oh well, hopefully the next pay cycle will be a lot brighter.

what will be, will be

"When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what he said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be."

***

great, just great. the future is so damn bright that i can't see a damn thing.

...

wake up, little princess. fairy tale's over.

naisip ko lang...

kanina i was sent to the grocery by my mom to buy a kilo of shrimp. we have visitors coming over tomorrow and my mom was thinking of serving chili shrimp. i don't cook, and so buying ingredients for a certain dish is not really one of my favorite activities. you can just imagine how i stood there transfixed and confused in front of schools of shrimp squirming inside a large aquarium. i didn't know you buy them alive and kicking, literally. oh those poor things. i watched closely while the grocery boy mercilessly scooped them with a fishing net and tossed them into a plastic container. you should have seen them run (or swim) and fight for their lives. some of them even went as far as jumping over the glass edge. those who managed to escape were left to die on the floor, of course.

there were still signs of life even as i was driving home from the grocery. from the driver's seat i could still hear the wriggling and the twisting and the gasping for air. it's almost heartbreaking. for a while i thought the vegan principles border on the extreme, even cultish to some extent. but when i saw how those sea creatures fight for their existence, it made me wonder if nature really meant it to be that way. it made me think if animals are really meant for human consumption. parang ang unfair lang. the rule of the game is survival of the fittest, pero not every creature is equipped with an equal capacity to fight.

kung sa bagay, nung kumakain naman sila ng seaweeds (or whatever it is that shrimps eat), hindi naman sila inirereklamo. siguro nga ganyan lang talaga ang buhay.

mskm mania

waaahhh pinaiyak nanaman ako ni celine at jb!!!

mornings made of these

nothing beats a cup of coffee right after a soothing (and bone-cracking) yoga class. after one week of thriving in a gluttonous work environment, this is just what my lazy bones and chaotic mind need. i really love the luxury of time and space that my job affords me from time to time. despite the many things--mostly mind-boggling--that hover like a dark cloud on the horizon, there is still so much to be thankful for. like mornings like this. oh, i love mornings like this. and as i write this entry in the sleek ff lobby with ergonomic couches and unlimited internet access, i contemplate on the exciting possibilities of this day (that includes my dance class and mabuhay coverage afterwards).

oh and yeah, did i mention that fitness first at moa rocks?

staphylococcus aureus

i've never even had three pimples at the same time. ever. and now i have twelve. god, i have twelve!

...

sorry, i don't celebrate valentine's day.

***

habang papalapit nang papalapit ang supposed wedding date ko e lalu akong tinotopak.

currently contemplating on a career shift

can't believe i earned a little over 10k in a week (actually in three days) from taking photographs. tell that to the guy who almost flunked me in photojournalism back in college! i'm so loving photography more, especially now that i'm starting to get paid out of it.

***

yesterday i tried to do a million things only to finish nothing. hang in there, gracee, hell week is almost over. sleep is just four days away.

i need to stop being a slacker!

dammit! i've been missing my deadlines lately. i hate the fact that i'm being too complacent. what the hell is wrong with me?! i'm beginning to think that i may not be physically and emotionally ready yet for this kind of freedom. i wonder if prisoners feel this way sometimes. for some weird reason, i find comfort and security in being behind bars, in knowing what will happen tomorrow, in not thinking when and where to eat, in not deciding when and where to work. sometimes there's this aching desire to go back where everything runs like clockwork, where everything is predestined, and where everyone's in a grueling race to get ahead of the others.

geez. what am i thinking? i certainly hope that this is just a really bad case of pms.

dear november,

as a sign of respect to the sanctity of this month--my month, i solemnly swear that i will give my best efforts to do the following:

1. stop moping around and crying over spilled milk (which i've actually started three weeks ago and so far i'm making dramatic headway).

2. limit my procrastination tendencies to manageable levels.

3. stop sabotaging my friends' efforts to pull me out of lala land.

4. read everything i can get my hands on (or at least the books i've managed to stock up over the decades).

5. watch all the movies i've missed during the last four years (whoa, that's a lot! thank god for piracy).

6. give my blog a face and spiritual lift.

7. declutter. (and maybe clear out the cobwebs in my head too. )

8. stop oversleeping. (i'll have a whole lifetime of that anyway when i'm dead.)

9. make a life, not a living. (or at least die trying)

10. document my progress. (for future use, hopefully for others)

so help me god.

swimming against the current

it was eight in the morning. as i was walking along ayala avenue on a busy monday morning, i realized that nothing much has changed since i left the corporate arena. you know when they say you'll only appreciate the beauty of something when you haven't seen it for a long time-- this rang true that day. nothing much has changed, actually, the only difference is that i'm not part of the scene anymore. and when you become a mere observer, you tend to be more observant.

it was a fascinating display of sounds, shapes, and colors. around me, high heels hurriedly clinked and clanked, stumbling every so often over the cracks of the earth. unflattering office uniforms, most in eye-popping colors, fluttered as jeepneys swerved past honking sedans and colorum FXs. everywhere, watches were glanced at and mobile phones were making rapid strides from pockets to ears. cups of coffee flew out of the takeout counter, while owners looked longingly at that empty couch at the farthest corner. and there in the distance, a ray of sunlight struggled to peep in between the silver towers.

in my jogging pants, gym bag, and sturdy rubber slippers, i felt like a walking anomaly amid a robotic society, a virus plaguing the matrix, a strip of red earth desecrating the concrete jungle. later, i thought, after a heavy workout and a spa session, i'd be having lunch with arj and drinking coffee with airisha and angela. hmm...i smiled a triumphant smile. swimming against the current isn't so bad at all.

god, i sooo love my life.

withering away

it's not the smoking that bothers me. it's the actual buying of that first stick in an out of the way cafeteria --and finishing that stick off alone--that scares me.