They said, let it go, if it comes back then it’s meant to be. And I said, bullshit. That was probably the greatest mistake of my life.
For the past few months, I have been competing with Chance. They say if something is meant to happen, it will happen despite your best efforts. When everyone was repeating the exact same line, I held on to Coehlo’s words: When you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires in your favor. When someone hits you on the cheek, you don’t offer the other side just because someone decided your face is meant to be hit. I’d say it’s only prudent to fight back. I thought I was too old to believe in things like serendipity.
But everything I did turned out to be one futile attempt after another. I fought a good fight and I scored my best points but still I lost. Instead of blaming it on Chance, I told myself that maybe somebody else wanted to win more badly than I did. Someone else was hungrier and better prepared. And so I gracefully accepted my defeat before my opponents and mourned secretly so as to not spoil someone else’s victory party. I was taught that in matters of love, just like in war, you must know when to surrender. Because sometimes, it’s not about winning or losing; it’s about not losing yourself in the process. But unlike in war, in love, as long as you keep another happy, even if you lose, you still win.
And now that the storm has passed, Chance is asking for a rematch.
When I was young, I used to mull over how God decides who gets to win in a basketball match. If both teams with equal number of players would pray for the win, whose side is He gonna take? Isn’t it a wonder that if a team wins, every member would naturally raise their hands to heaven and thank whoever is up there, but if it doesn’t, the members would simply shrug their shoulders and say, “our time hasn’t come yet.” It seemed to me that every possible life path in this world has already been carefully mapped out. We’re already traversing a long and winding road with fixed u-turns, dead ends, and detours. A lot of times I asked, given a perfect masterplan and a grand design for everyone, are prayers still necessary? Does competence matter? Do our choices and desires even count?
It really never ends, does it? I thought running forward would take me somewhere else, anywhere but where I came from. I must have taken a wrong turn because now I’m back to square one, facing the same people and challenged by the same options. The truth is I don’t want to fight back anymore; the war has claimed so many lives already on both sides. But I also know that this is my one last shot at being completely happy. Once again, I find myself at the threshold: One more step backward and I’ll fall over the cliff, one step forward and he’ll pull the trigger aimed at my head. I don’t like where I’m at right now but I don’t know where else to go. One misstep and I’ll go crawling back again to the seven circles of hell.
And so I am now making peace with Chance. I thought I was different; I guess I’m just like all the other fools. So, Chance, go ahead and rule my life. After all, I have nothing to lose anymore. If it turns out well, then I’ll thank you. If it doesn’t, then I’ll forever hold you responsible. Why trouble myself with making difficult choices when I can always close my eyes and walk blindly towards the easiest way out? Why not leave everything to chance because that way nobody points a finger at me when somebody gets hurt in the process? At least all I need to do now is to grab anything that crops up right in front of me because maybe Chance has willed it to be there. Maybe I’ll sell a book with my new number on it and marry whoever gives me the first call. Never mind logic, forget values, to hell with free will. Chance will always be there to bail me out, right? I think that arrangement is fair enough, not to mention convenient. God, I’ve been completely stupid, thinking that what I want actually mattered. So do your thing, Chance, while I sit back, put my feet up, and watch the world roll by and get fucked up.
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